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Even though there are probably many female sexual addiction stories out there this one really touched my heart.
Her Story
I was 18 years old at the time (I’m now 19), and about 60 pounds overweight. I was depressed all the time, feeling like I was much older and uglier than my peers. One day he gave me the knowledge that he gave Daniel, that is, to eat only fruits, vegetables, and drink only water. This is now called the raw food diet. I’ve been on it ever since, and now when I walk down the street, I get more than a few glances from men. I was very thankful to God at first, but then it turned into pride. Pride for being beautiful, for breaking an addiction that most Americans can’t, and I began to feel like God’s “special” child, because during this time, God also revealed to me the gravity of the sin in the world, especially this country, and I felt so superior and detached from it. This was all prideful thinking.
For some reason jealousy entered into my heart sometime after this, and whenever an attractive woman would walk buy, I would accuse him of checking her out. Gracious as he was, he suffered me and made jokes whenever I did it. But sometimes on nights when we weren’t together (we have been sleeping together and I repent for this now also) I would research what he had been looking up on the internet. One night I found a blog that he had written about wanting to have sex with another girl. I was devastated, feeling like with all the time we spent together that we had no secrets. At the time I viewed myself as very innocent, not even looking at attractive men with lust because my love for him made them invisible.
We also didn’t have hardly any money, being jobless. I began to look at pornography I think a little bit before this time, so when he would stay at his house, I’d use that time to look at things that I couldn’t with him around. Then I discovered craigslist.com, and the casual encounters section. My heart was so hardened, and I found this section exciting. First just reading for kicks, then I found an ad that offered money for sex. I was tempted, and I gave into it, reasoning that he would never know and that would allow me the rest of the night to buy yummy (healthy) things to eat. I spat in God’s face.
That was when I became borderline suicidal. Who had I become? I love my fiancé, so how could I do this? And how could I even reason that I would get away with it? One night I was about to do it again, but a Christian responded to my ad. At first he seemed interested, but then confessed that he was a youth group leader and couldn’t do it, then talked me out of doing it too. I was relieved that night, feeling like God had sent him to me. But the gravity of my sin is that I half repented then did it again after that. The attention and money I got from it was a major temptation. The men always commented on how beautiful I was. But after that I stopped what I was doing, feeling the emptiness inside my heart, and that God would never listen to me again. I began reading everything I could about God and forgiveness. One article I found said that God wouldn’t forgive someone who once knew him, but turned away, because Jesus can’t be crucified again. And another thing I read said that God doesn’t forgive Christians who willfully commit sins, having the knowledge that what they’re doing is wrong. I am afraid that God has taken his Holy Spirit from me. I have repented so many times, and am trying to have faith that he has forgiven me, but the doubt still lingers. Also, I don’t know what I would do without my fiancé. I love him so much and am sick to my stomach sorry for what I did. The constant terror of God taking him away from me haunts me every day, but from now on I want to humbly obey His word. Can I be forgiven? Should I tell my fiancé? Or should I have hope that God will let me keep him if I turn away from all unrighteousness? Also, last year I earnestly asked God who I was to Him, and He said that I was His blessed one. Do you think he meant that, despite the knowledge of what I was going to do?
If anybody ever need prayer it is this sister. Thank you for taking the time to read one of the best female addiction stories I have had he honor of receiving on my website.
Breaking Free Thanks Deacon Pepper for your encouraging email. It is really great to know that you have prayed for me. I have gotten back into studying the bible and praying and feel forgiven for what I did. I had a dream a couple nights ago that I think was meant to confirm that He forgave me. It’s really weird. I was in a bathroom; outside it were people that I used to know from church. The bathroom was really dirty, and I discovered that it was also a trash dump and I was about to be compacted! At the last moment I cried out “help!” and the garbage men heard me and lifted me out.
Please Pray This is one of the most encouraging female sexual addiction stories, God Bless everybody who has read it. Please pray for her if you get a chance. |
Okay this is a long story, but for you to understand the degree of my sin, I need to tell it. God answered a huge prayer for me last year. I had been praying for God to restore my youth and put a smile back on my face.
The empathy I once had for people when I was fat was replaced with a feeling like I was better than them. On top of that, my boyfriend also began eating the same things I ate, and lost a lot of weight too, so I felt even better about MYSELF. So this was the pride, now here is the fall: My boyfriend proposed to me in May of this year. We have been inseparable for going on two years now, so I accepted.
Although I confronted him and he thoroughly apologized, begging on his knees for forgiveness, this was the turning point where I lost all faith in him and began doubting him constantly (in my mind, not telling him because he thought that I had forgiven him.) In August of this year, he began to distance himself from me for some reason, only staying with me every other night. This broke my heart also, because we were inseparable and I felt like he was growing tired of me.
This became an addiction. I didn’t enjoy having sex with strange men, but I felt in control somehow, being able to respond to who I wanted, doing the deed for about an hour, then no longer being without money for whatever I wanted. I did this several times. The first time I didn’t even feel guilty, but then I had sex with a married man, and another married man after that.